For a lot of long-term couples, learning how to communicate with your partner without fighting can feel like an unreachable goal. We’re not born with the ability to navigate conflict skillfully and many of us grow up without the benefit of role models who can show us how to communicate with a partner effectively.

The good news is that even if you didn’t grow up with good role models for how to talk with a partner about difficult topics, you can learn how to build better communication skills in your relationships 

Skillful communication in long-term relationships is all about practice.

The longer you’ve been in a relationship with someone, the easier it is to accidentally slip into old patterns of communicating. This doesn’t mean you won’t be able to change the ways you talk to each other, it just means you need to start small and to practice.

We encourage couples to focus on making small positive changes, because over time these changes can have a very positive effect on your relationships 

Couples who feel disconnected often tell us they feel discouraged because they have nothing to say to each other. If this hasn’t been going on too long, we’re often able to trace the source of disconnection back to a time when there was a serious issue they never talked about.

Once this issue is talked about, conversation starts to flow again and many couples discover they still have a lot to talk about.

We’ve seen lots of couples have hard conversations about their lack of intimacy and closeness, and come out of that conversation feeling closer to each other than they have in years.

Especially when there have been repetitive arguments in your relationship.

Suddenly, instead of really listening, you’re busy composing your response in your head. (And if you happen to come up with a zinger and start debating about whether or not to keep it to yourself or let it fly, you’re really not listening any more.) This is a time to slow down and try to really focus your attention on what’s being said. 

If you notice that you're rehearsing, debating what to say, or think you "know" what the other person is saying, great! you’ve become aware that you’ve stopped listening.

We all sometimes make assumptions about what our partner is thinking or feeling that have more to do with the old stories we carry inside about ourselves. 

In our experience, couples are far more successful at working through difficult problems when they approach the issue as an ongoing conversation rather than as a discussion they can have once and then never have to talk about again.

When couples try to get it over with and move on, they end up feeling hopeless and frustrated when the issue inevitably comes up again. If your expectation is to just talk about it once and then move on, it’s easy to end up feeling like your brave attempt to talk it through went nowhere.

Instead, if you approach the conversation with an expectation that this is just the first in a series of conversations about the topic, then you know that you don’t have to figure everything out today.

It takes all the pressure off. You’re able to learn from what worked and what didn’t as you continue to talk through the problem over time, with an attitude of confidence and working together to solve problems.

This lets you frame the conversation as “What can we do differently to solve this problem together?” Now you’re together, on the same side, working toward a common goal, rather than squaring off against each other to see which of you is going to win the argument.

It can be difficult to stay in the mindset that acknowledges that hard topics require multiple conversations. This is especially true if it is anchored in a conflict that is longstanding.

One thing that might help is to remember that talking through hard issues is the key to having fulfilling relationships. It’s the key not because you get an immediate solution to your problem. It’s the key because the process of working through difficult issues helps you both develop as communicators, learn how to trust each other, and grow together in your relationship in ways you never imagined when you first got together.

1. When you're angry, check in to see if you have any other feelings along with your anger. Sharing how you're feeling with your partner "I've been feeling hurt and angry about what happened" is more effective than "I'm really pissed off at you right now."

2. Learn to tell the difference between your thoughts and feelings. Saying, "Lately I've been feeling disconnected from you and I'm worried you don't want to spend time with me" will help your partner be more open to listening that if you approach them with "I feel like you don't care about me anymore."

3. Find the right time to talk. "There's something I'd like to talk to you about. Is now a good time?" or "When would be a good time to talk?"

4. If you struggle to know how you're feeling in ways that make your verbal and nonverbal communication not match, saying, "I’m not sure how I’m feeling right now. I should probably figure that out before we talk about it," or "I'm not quite ready to talk about this. Can we talk about this later?" are preferable to "I'm fine" said in a tone that communicates you're anything but fine. If your partner's communication isn't matching, you can acknowledge this by saying, "It seems like you’re processing something right now. Let me know when you’d like to talk."

5. Level up your listening with these phrases: "The story I'm telling myself right now is . . .." and "If I'm hearing you correctly, what you're saying is . . ."

Conclusion

Learning how to have hard conversations in ways that help bring you closer together as a couple rather than driving you apart takes practice. But it’s well worth the time and effort, which will help you avoid the common pitfalls in relationships that lead to unproductive fights and a loss of connection.