Are you tired of role-playing the scapegoat in your family? Here are three ways to flip the script.

Many people come to therapy when they feel underappreciated by their family. They may express sentiments such as:

• “Someone is constantly making accusations against me, even though I’ve done nothing wrong.”

• “My parents keep blaming me, as if it’s my responsibility to ensure everything goes right.”

• “I am never praised for my achievements; instead, I’m belittled in front of everyone.”

It’s no secret that families can be complicated, and all too often, a single family member becomes the ‘scapegoat’ for the family’s problems.

A family scapegoat is the person who assumes the role of ‘black sheep’ or ‘problem child’ within the family, getting shamed, blamed, and criticised for things beyond their control.

According to research in the Journal of Emotional Abuse, family scapegoating often includes several of the following eight elements:

• Scapegoating parents tend to have fragile, needy, and narcissistic personalities. They unjustly project hostility onto the scapegoated child.

• The victim often looks or behaves differently, which makes them a target for family blame.

• Double standards exist, with different rules for the scapegoat compared to other siblings.

• In response to unfair treatment, the scapegoat may act out.

• Parents or authority figures control the family dynamic by forming alliances that isolate the scapegoat.

• Reality is distorted by parents to deny the child’s legitimate needs, making the scapegoat appear to be the source of family problems.

• The scapegoat’s negative reaction feeds a vicious cycle, reinforcing the parents’ narrative of them as a ‘bad child’.

• Any family member attempting to intervene risks being ostracised.

However, there are ways to effectively address family scapegoating. One of the best methods is family therapy. If you find yourself bearing the brunt of a dysfunctional family dynamic, here are three steps you can take.

1. Re-evaluate your role in the family

The first step is understanding how the scapegoating dynamic started. Reflect on questions like:

• Do I take on too much responsibility?

• Am I always trying to please others?

• Do I allow myself to be taken advantage of with chores or babysitting?

• Do my parents even know I feel this way?

Identifying any patterns that reinforce your role as the scapegoat can help you break free and develop healthier relationships.

2. Set boundaries and communicate effectively

Once you’ve recognised these patterns, it’s essential to establish and maintain boundaries. Clear communication with family members about what is acceptable and unacceptable is crucial. You can set boundaries by:

• Stating your limits, such as not tolerating name-calling or unfair criticism.

• Engaging in respectful conversations where everyone can express their feelings without judgment.

  
  

3. Focus on self-care and positive affirmations

Often, scapegoating has more to do with the family members’ issues than yours. Focus on self-care and practising positive affirmations. Examples include:

• “I will not be a victim of unfair blame.”

• “I am strong and capable.”

• “Their behaviour reflects their pain, not mine.”

Surround yourself with supportive people who uplift you. It can make a significant difference when facing difficult family dynamics.