How to Truly Love Yourself: A Guide Beyond the Hype

How-to-love-yourself advice is everywhere these days. Step into your favorite local gift shop, and you’ll likely find self-love manifesting candles topped with rose quartz, positive-affirmation card decks, and pillows embossed with Brené Brown self-compassion quotes. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok, and you’ll probably encounter influencers spouting self-love advice that often ignores the deep-rooted reasons why someone might struggle with self-worth. The barrage of “You just have to love yourself” toxic positivity was brilliantly (and hilariously) portrayed in the second episode of Euphoria Season 2.

Self-love sells. But are we really buying it? Kat from Euphoria certainly isn’t. While self-love may seem cheesy or oversimplified, most mental health professionals agree that being kinder to and more accepting of yourself is vital for both mental well-being and healthy relationships. However, factors such as trauma, years of self-criticism, and systemic discrimination make this seemingly simple practice far more complex—and much easier said than done.

1. Think of Self-Love as a Practice, Not a Destination

There’s no finish line where you officially love yourself. Self-love isn’t a permanent state—it’s an ongoing practice. It also doesn’t have to mean being in love with yourself. If the term love feels too strong, consider working towards acceptance or neutrality.

“We often define love in a fairytale sense where everything needs to be perfect, and then we apply that same pressure to self-love, which isn’t realistic,” says Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy. Some days, self-love means deep appreciation for yourself, and other days, it might simply mean committing to self-acceptance or neutrality.

Just like any long-term relationship, loving yourself involves commitment, perseverance, and patience. And don’t expect new thought patterns to emerge overnight—like any habit, accepting and being kinder to yourself takes consistent effort.

2. You Don’t Have to Love Your Reality to Love Yourself

Think about your closest friends and family members—those who show up for you even when you’re at your lowest. Now ask yourself: Do you offer yourself the same kindness?

We love our friends despite their flaws, yet so many of us struggle to love our flawed selves. Perfection is not a prerequisite for being loved—by others or yourself. Self-acceptance is key to eventually cultivating self-love.

That said, accepting your mistakes and imperfections can feel nearly impossible, especially when you’ve spent years wishing things were different. A major part of self-love is acknowledging reality as it is rather than resisting it. As the saying goes, what we resist, persists.

Instead of spiraling into self-judgment, try shifting your inner dialogue. Rather than saying, “I shouldn’t have done that”, practice acknowledging the facts:

• “This is my situation.”

• “This is what happened.”

This small shift in perspective allows you to process events without self-blame. Accepting reality doesn’t mean liking it—it means recognising it so you can move forward.

Self-forgiveness is another crucial element of self-love. Instead of berating yourself for past mistakes, try reframing the situation: What did I learn from this? Self-love isn’t about never making mistakes—it’s about taking responsibility when needed and moving forward with wisdom.

3. Challenge Your Negative Mental Narrative

Buddhists describe suffering using the metaphor of two arrows. The first arrow is an unfortunate event—something beyond our control. The second arrow is the story we tell ourselves about that event—self-inflicted suffering.

For example, if a loved one passes away, that is the first arrow. The second arrow is the guilt-filled narrative that tells you “I should have convinced them to go to the doctor sooner” or “I should have spent more time with them.” While pain is inevitable, the additional suffering caused by self-judgment is something we can control.

When negative thoughts creep in, ask yourself:

• Is this thought based on facts?

• Is there evidence that disproves this belief?

• Am I in control of this situation, or is it beyond my control?

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By challenging your inner critic, you begin to see yourself through a more compassionate, realistic lens.

4. Recognise How Oppression and Trauma Affect Self-Love

If you belong to a marginalised or historically oppressed group, societal messages may have led you to internalise the belief that you are less valuable. Even if you consciously reject these messages, the pressure to overachieve and prove your worth can take a toll.

Similarly, survivors of trauma often struggle with shame and self-blame. Interpersonal trauma, such as sexual assault or boundary violations, can send an implicit message that you are not worthy of respect. Over time, this can make self-love seem unattainable.

Healing from oppression and trauma is incredibly challenging to do alone. If possible, working with a therapist can be beneficial. However, small steps like engaging in body-positive self-care (e.g., taking a warm bath, enjoying a meal, or simply wearing comfortable clothing) can help rebuild self-worth.

5. Set Boundaries to Build Self-Worth

Self-love isn’t just about what you say to yourself—it’s also about what you allow from others.

Avoid giving your time and energy to people—friends, family, or partners—who make you feel unworthy. “Part of practicing self-love is not seeking water from an empty well.” If a relationship consistently drains your confidence, setting boundaries is necessary.

And boundaries don’t just apply to people—online spaces can also contribute to self-doubt. If social media triggers comparison and negative self-talk, consider unfollowing accounts that make you feel inadequate.

Small boundary-setting actions, like limiting conversations with toxic individuals or designating offline hours, can significantly improve your relationship with yourself.

6. Remember That Self-Love Is a Worthwhile Pursuit

While social media often portrays self-love as superficial or even toxic (“Just love yourself and all your problems will disappear!”), true self-love is a deeper practice. It’s about acceptance, personal growth, and developing a kind relationship with yourself.

“Self-love isn’t about gazing at your reflection and thinking you’re perfect. It’s about building a solid foundation for healthy relationships, strong career choices, and personal fulfillment.”

By embracing self-love—not as a fleeting trend but as a lifelong journey—you allow yourself to step into your fullest potential.

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