Is It Possible to Love Someone But Not Feel Emotionally Close?

Do you ever find yourself loving someone deeply but still feeling a disconnect? A yearning for emotional closeness that never quite lands?

This longing is more common than you might think. Sometimes, there’s a gap between the love we feel and the intimacy we experience. We may try to bridge this gap—again and again—only to feel the bond remain just out of reach.

The truth is, love alone isn’t enough. Emotional safety is the foundation of true intimacy.

When we feel emotionally safe with someone, we relax. We let our guard down. We’re able to be authentic—to share our hurts, hopes, and longings—without fear of being judged or rejected. In this state, vulnerability becomes a bridge, not a threat.

According to renowned relationship researcher John Gottman, one of the main culprits in relationship breakdowns is defensiveness. It’s a wall we build to protect ourselves from shame, blame, or emotional pain. But that wall can also block love from flowing freely.

People protect themselves in many ways when they don’t feel safe:

• Shutting down

• Avoiding intimacy

• Criticising others first

• Flipping the blame

But when we’re treated with respect, kindness, and consistency, those protective strategies begin to soften. We start to trust. We allow ourselves to be seen.

True emotional intimacy comes from what Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons beautifully describe as “undefended love”—a space where both people are emotionally honest, self-aware, and willing to be vulnerable.

And while it may sound idealistic, it’s deeply human. Building emotional safety requires:

• Honest, open communication

• Following through on our word

• Being present and available

• Reflecting on and healing from our past

• Giving the emotional safety we wish to receive

As Psaris and Lyons write:

“We have to be visible before we can be seen. We have to be available before our hearts can be affected. And we have to be present before we can be intimate.”

Love may bring two people together, but emotional safety is what keeps them close.

If you find yourself loving someone but feeling distant, take a moment to reflect: Do I feel emotionally safe? Am I creating that safety for them, too? This awareness could be the key to unlocking the intimacy you’ve been longing for.

Source: Adapted from original article insights and quotes from Undefended Love by Jett Psaris & Marlena Lyons, and the research of John Gottman.

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