Breaking the Martyr-Beneficiary Cycle in Relationships
- Wise Psychic Counsellor
- Apr 2
- 3 min read
In many romantic partnerships, one person may take on the role of the constant giver, prioritising their partner’s needs while neglecting their own. Meanwhile, the other partner primarily receives, often without recognising the sacrifices being made.
At first, this dynamic—known as a martyr-beneficiary relationship—can appear selfless or even loving. However, over time, it can lead to emotional exhaustion, dependency, and underlying resentment.
What is a Martyr-Beneficiary Relationship?
This is more than just an unhealthy dynamic—it’s a specific form of codependency. The “martyr” sacrifices their own needs to maintain the relationship, often over-functioning to compensate for the other’s under-functioning. Meanwhile, the “beneficiary” becomes reliant on that sacrifice, perpetuating the imbalance.
This isn’t just about differing personalities; it’s often rooted in childhood conditioning. The martyr may have grown up believing that their worth is tied to how much they can do for others—praised for being selfless, accommodating, and always putting others first. Meanwhile, the beneficiary may have been raised in an environment where responsibilities were handled for them, reinforcing a pattern of avoidance and dependence.
Together, they fall into a predictable cycle—one steps in to fix, rescue and nurture, while the other withdraws and resists accountability. Over time, resentment builds, conflicts escalate, and both end up feeling unfulfilled.
This pattern isn’t limited to romantic relationships—it also plays out in friendships, sibling dynamics, and parent-child relationships. The first step to healing is recognising the pattern.
1. Unequal Effort May Breed Resentment
In a martyr-beneficiary relationship, one partner consistently invests more time, energy, and emotional labour. The other primarily benefits from these sacrifices.
Over time, this imbalance can lead to deep resentment. The martyr may feel unappreciated, exhausted, or taken for granted—especially if their efforts go unnoticed or unreciprocated. They may overextend themselves emotionally, constantly trying to bridge the gap. Meanwhile, the beneficiary may withdraw, feeling pressured by expectations they’ve never had to meet before.
For instance, one partner might handle most of the physical workload—doing the chores, planning outings, and managing responsibilities. Eventually, these efforts become expected rather than appreciated, leaving them drained and unacknowledged.
This dynamic often goes unnoticed by the beneficiary, who may take the martyr’s efforts for granted. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that difficult sacrifices are associated with lower relationship satisfaction. This is why mutual recognition and appreciation are vital.
2. They Become Trapped in a ‘Demand-Withdraw’ Cycle
Eventually, the giving partner may ask for change, hoping for more balance. But instead of responding, the beneficiary may shut down—not always out of indifference, but possibly due to a fear of failure, conflict, or change.
This is known as the demand-withdraw cycle: one partner pushes for change, while the other retreats. It’s a common dynamic that prevents healthy communication.
A study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples in this cycle experience more negative emotions and struggle to resolve conflict. If children are involved, this can also negatively impact the broader family dynamic.
Demand-withdraw cycles may also signal deeper struggles over decision-making power and control. As frustration and disconnection grow, so too does emotional distress and unhappiness in the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle: What Each Partner Can Do
For the Beneficiary:
Acknowledge the imbalance in the relationship.
Cultivate self-awareness and recognise when you’re avoiding responsibility.
Make small, consistent changes to show accountability.
Shift your mindset from blame to growth and understanding.
Research in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin shows that those who believe people can change are more likely to take responsibility for mistakes—an essential step in resolving conflict.
For the Martyr:
Learn to set healthy boundaries without guilt.
Recognise that love does not require self-sacrifice.
Step back and allow your partner to take responsibility, even if they don’t get it “perfect.”
Practise constructive communication, focusing on feedback, not criticism.
The Path Forward: Equal Effort, Shared Growth
Healthy love isn’t about one person carrying the weight while the other coasts. It’s about mutual effort, appreciation, and a shared commitment to growth. When both partners meet each other with understanding and accountability, they can build a relationship where love is given, received, and valued equally.
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