Strengthening Intimacy Through Small Gestures: The Surprise Task
- Wise Psychic Counsellor
- Nov 28, 2024
- 3 min read
There is nothing more intimate than understanding how well your partner knows you and how they translate that knowledge into action. You already know what to do to make your partner feel loved—sometimes, it just takes a little effort to put that into practice.
Discovering Roadblocks to Love
Exploring the barriers that prevent the expression of loving behaviours can be eye-opening for both partners. Intimacy is nurtured when you reflect on what you already know about each other and take steps to act on it more consistently and intentionally.
To boost intimacy, start by considering:
How well do you know your partner?
Do you care enough to take action to feel closer?
How does your partner receive your gestures towards intimacy?
Are you both willing to explore how much you can offer each other?
The Surprise Task: A Simple Assignment
This exercise helps couples identify and celebrate the existing strengths in their relationship. The instructions are straightforward:
Think of a behaviour you can change—something you know would be meaningful to your partner.
Implement this change between now and the next week, but don’t tell your partner about it.
When you meet again, guess what change the other person made.
The key is to think small and unique. While grand gestures like buying flowers can be lovely, this task works best when you focus on something only you would know is important to your partner. It could be something as simple as turning the music down if it bothers them or checking in during the day to show you’re thinking of them.
Celebrating Strengths in Your Relationship
The surprise task was first introduced by Steve de Shazer in 1982 at the Brief Family Therapy Center. It helps uncover and celebrate the strengths already present in a relationship, often revealing overlooked areas of connection.
Let’s consider an example:
Doug and Chris often argue about Doug’s lack of attention to home security, which leaves Chris feeling unsafe. For his surprise task, Doug decides to focus on this concern. He begins locking doors, setting the alarm at night, and checking for unusual noises without mentioning it to Chris.
When asked to guess his surprise task, Chris identifies it immediately. She feels valued and safe, and Doug feels proud of his effort.
This success demonstrates the core elements of intimacy:
Knowing Your Partner: Doug understood Chris’s concerns deeply and tailored his actions accordingly.
Caring Enough to Act: Doug went out of his comfort zone to show care in a way that mattered to Chris.
Executing Meaningful Behaviours: Doug consistently followed through, which is crucial for building trust and intimacy.
Being Receptive: Chris acknowledged and appreciated Doug’s actions, which reinforced the positive change.
When the Surprise Task Doesn’t Work
Not every couple finds success with the surprise task. Here are some common reasons for failure:
Forgetting to Do the Task: This suggests a lack of commitment to enhancing intimacy.
Resentment Getting in the Way: If one partner is too angry to act positively, it may indicate deeper issues.
Missing the Mark: Effort is misplaced when the gesture doesn’t resonate with the other person.
Strengthen Your Bond Today
Take a moment to commit to the surprise task. Agree on the rules and check back with each other in a week to guess each other’s surprises. Even small, thoughtful actions can reignite the spark and strengthen the foundation of your relationship.
By focusing on what makes your partner feel valued and cared for, you’ll uncover the hidden strengths in your connection and pave the way for a more intimate and fulfilling relationship.
About Wise Psychic Counselling
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