Creating Your Own Closure: Letting Go of Relationship Residue

Relationship closure doesn’t come from someone else—it comes from you.

Key Points

• Without addressing relationship residue, we carry it into our next relationship.

• We often romanticise the past or blame ourselves for things beyond our control.

• Radical acceptance doesn’t mean we like what happened; it means we accept it without resistance.

We’ve all been there. You end a relationship, but instead of feeling free, you feel stuck. Memories linger, questions remain, and emotions feel unresolved. You think you need “closure,” but that elusive finality never arrives.

So, what do you do? Perhaps you replay conversations, scroll through old photos, or even reach out to your ex, hoping that this time, you’ll find closure. But here’s the truth: closure isn’t something someone else gives you; it’s something you create for yourself.

In Break Up on Purpose, I discuss “relationship residue”—the emotional baggage we carry post-breakup. If we don’t address this residue, it clings to us, often affecting future relationships and repeating patterns we hoped to leave behind. Waiting for someone else to give you closure keeps you stuck. To truly move forward, you must create closure within yourself. Here’s how:

1. Acknowledge What’s Keeping You Stuck

Before you can let go, be honest with yourself. What’s holding you back from moving on? Is it unresolved anger, fear of being alone, or maybe the vision of a future you imagined with that person? Face it without sugarcoating or judging yourself. There’s no set timeline for healing.

Take a journal and ask yourself: What exactly am I holding onto? Is it the person or what they represented? Write down everything, no matter how irrational or messy it seems.

2. Rewrite the Story You’re Telling Yourself

We all create stories about past relationships: He was the love of my life, I’ll never find someone like her again, If only I’d done things differently, we’d still be together. These narratives trap us in the past.

Challenge these stories. Ask yourself if they’re true or simply your perspective. Often, we romanticise the past or blame ourselves for things out of our control. Rewrite your story. Instead of “I’ll never find someone like them again,” try “That relationship taught me valuable lessons, but it’s not the only love I’ll experience.”

THE BASICS

• Why Relationships Matter

• Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test

• Find counselling to strengthen relationships

3. Practise Radical Acceptance

Some relationships end without the tidy closure we’d hoped for—and that’s OK. Radical acceptance isn’t about liking what happened; it’s about acknowledging it without resistance. Sit with the reality that the relationship is over, even if you never receive the answers or apologies you’d like. This acceptance creates the space for healing.

Ask yourself: What would my life look like if I accepted this fully? Imagine the energy you’d free up by releasing the hope for closure from your ex.

4. Create a Closure Ritual

A closure ritual can symbolically release the relationship and help you move forward. Write a letter to your ex (that you won’t send) expressing everything you’ve held inside. Or gather mementoes and either put them away or donate them. This tangible act can signify the end of this chapter.

One client wrote a letter detailing everything they felt and buried it in a meaningful place. This act became a powerful moment of closure—even though their ex would never read it.

5. Shift the Focus Back to You

After a breakup, it’s tempting to focus on your ex’s life—who they’re seeing, what they’re doing. But the longer you dwell on them, the longer you delay your own healing. Ask yourself: What do I need right now? Prioritise self-care, reconnect with friends, or start a new hobby that excites you. Pour your energy into your own life.

6. Surround Yourself with a Supportive Community

Healing is personal, but you don’t have to do it alone. Finding a community that understands what you’re going through can make all the difference. Immersing yourself in a supportive environment allows you to feel seen, heard, and understood.

Remember, closure isn’t something you wait for—it’s something you create. Take ownership of your healing. Acknowledge what’s holding you back, rewrite the story, and practise radical acceptance. And if you’re ready, create a closure ritual that allows you to step forward with grace.