Why Do Relationships Fail?

It's a question many ask themselves after a breakup. While each situation is different, there are a variety of reasons why relationships don’t go the distance. The main reasons why relationships fail include a loss of trust, poor communication, lack of respect, differing priorities, and a lack of intimacy. This post discusses why each of these factors may cause a relationship to come to an end.

Loss of Trust

If you've ever wondered, "Why does a relationship fail?" it is important to recognise that the issue often comes down to trust. One of the foundational feelings necessary in a good relationship is a sense of security. If you lack emotional support or find your partner unreliable, trust may erode.

If your partner is vague or hard to pin down, there is cause for concern. Relationships built on mistrust are on shaky ground.

Lying

Let’s say you discover your partner has lied to you. Lies can have powerful consequences. Was it a white lie or a lie told to protect the person who lied? White lies are often minor or inconsequential, whereas significant lies can have far-reaching effects.

Possessiveness

If you’re with a partner who is overly possessive, ask yourself, “Does this seem healthy? Does your partner isolate you from your friends or constantly check up on you?” These aren’t signs of someone who trusts you. Remind yourself that this is not what a healthy relationship is about.

Jealousy

Jealousy in small doses can be healthy and a sign that you’re not taking one another for granted. However, if someone is overly possessive and exhibits signs of pathological jealousy, these are red flags.

Infidelity

If you suspect your partner is being unfaithful, you may feel like the cornerstone of what you built together has been destroyed. You might no longer trust this person. Are they even who you thought they were? Relationships centred on a lack of trust, filled with lying, jealousy, and infidelity, are unlikely to endure.

Poor Communication

Poor communication is another common reason why relationships fail. If your conversations are reduced to only discussing the children's schedules or the weekend chore list, your communication has become merely transactional. Healthy communication should cover a wide range of topics.

Even if you communicate well, it’s okay to disagree. Conflicts are inevitable, and there are ways to manage them with effective communication skills. Communication should be filled with empathy, understanding, and active listening. Unfortunately, many couples find it challenging to communicate this way.

Although it may sound counterintuitive, when a couple brags that they never argue at all, that’s not necessarily a good thing. It often reflects that both people are conflict-avoidant. They’d rather not rock the boat or bring up difficult issues.

It’s actually better for couples to express their frustrations and find a way to talk through them rather than avoiding arguments entirely.

In one recent study, scientists analysed a demand/withdraw style of communication among couples. This style describes what happens when one partner demands or nags about something, and the other person avoids confrontation and pulls away. The study found that under increased financial distress, this demand/withdraw style also increased. Moreover, it was correlated with lower marital satisfaction. Interestingly, couples who exhibited signs of gratitude and appreciation were able to overcome this communication problem.

Lack of Respect

Issues with respect are another common reason why relationships fail. For example, couples often disagree about various issues, with financial matters being a frequent source of conflict. Perhaps one partner is a spender and the other a saver. The problem isn’t so much that they view spending and saving in polar opposite ways; it's more about how they handle discussions about money.

It’s crucial to observe how one treats the other during conflicts, whether about money or any other issue. Is your partner respectful? Do they joke with you about it? Or does your partner put you down, roll their eyes, and treat you with utter contempt? These are signs of a lack of respect for one another.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and expert on marriage stability and divorce probability, views contempt as the biggest destroyer of relationships. He states that contempt is the most significant predictor of divorce as well. If your partner mocks you, sneers, or is hostile, it’s a sign of disgust. This lack of fondness and respect can cause an irreparable rift in a relationship.

A Difference in Priorities

Having conflicting priorities is another common reason why relationships fail. If you find that someone you're dating or have been with for a while has vastly different relationship desires or life goals than you do, your relationship may begin to falter.

Different Relationship Goals

Sometimes you have different priorities for the relationship itself. For example, after a month of dating, a recently widowed person might want to book a fun getaway trip with you and keep the relationship casual. You, however, may be ready to introduce your love to your family during the upcoming holidays and embark on a more serious path.

Different Life Goals

Perhaps you both have different long-term goals for the future. If you haven’t made time to discuss this, it can be upsetting to discover that your partner’s dreams and goals differ from yours.

For instance, you may want to continue ambitiously pursuing a career in the city for another five years, while your partner is ready to settle down next year and start a family in the suburbs.

When you can’t compromise or happily pursue one path, your relationship will suffer.

Having differing goals doesn't always mean your relationship is doomed. For example, it's possible that your goals can influence those of your partner, which could stabilise the relationship.

However, don’t rely on influencing the other as a solution. If one of you wants children and the other absolutely does not, or if one of you wants to live as a digital nomad while the other wishes to remain in their childhood neighbourhood until they grow old and grey, this isn’t a fit. A better match might be out there for you.

Not Enough Sex and Intimacy

Problems with sex and intimacy can also be a reason why a relationship might fail. Oxytocin is sometimes called the "love hormone" or "cuddle chemical." Our bodies produce the hormone oxytocin when we hug, touch, kiss, and show affection towards another person. Increased oxytocin is also associated with reduced stress levels and feelings of happiness.

When couples are not touching much, and the lack of touch is exacerbated by a communication style that is not intimate and close, relationships often deteriorate.

When your partner is uninterested in sex, relationships can become strained. The mismatch of sexual desires, along with other factors, can erode a relationship and ultimately contribute to a split.

Sex is very important in relationships. According to a recent study, the average adult has sex once a week. There are many benefits to having sex more often, including emotional, psychological, and physical benefits.

One thing that prevents couples from breaking up and is often found in great relationships is that partners hold one another in high esteem from the beginning. The partners in these relationships effectively manage conflict and give their partners the benefit of the doubt. In unsatisfactory relationships, the opposite is true.

Relationships fail for a variety of reasons, and each situation is unique. However, key contributors to their demise often involve issues of trust, communication, respect, priorities, and intimacy. Of course, no relationship is perfect, but if the difficult moments outweigh the good ones, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship. If you and your partner want to make the relationship work, consider reaching out to a couples’ therapist for additional support.

Signs of a Failing Relationship

Some common signs that a relationship might be failing include:

• Frequent arguments

• Little physical intimacy

• Lack of regard for one another

• Spending little time together

• No emotional connection

• Not planning things together

• Loss of attraction

• Spending time with other people

• Feeling bored in the relationship