5 Reasons Why You Can’t Let Go of Resentment, According to Therapists
- Wise Psychic Counsellor
- Sep 17
- 3 min read
Plus insight into how resentment can impact us over the long term.
Whether a conscious act or unintentional, being hurt by someone else often has a lasting impact. It ignites a flurry of emotions—anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, and indignation—that flood our minds and leave us with a lingering sense of deep injustice. For some, these feelings swirl and fester, leading to ongoing resentment toward the situation or the offender.
“With resentment, we often hold ill will toward someone or something that is the cause of the past injustices—real or perceived—and the old feelings of anger connected to them,” explains Rachel Fleischman, LCSW, founder of Bliss Counseling. “This gets sticky. People get very attached to their resentments because they are based in the deep sense of being wronged.”
The problem with resentment is that it’s something we hold within ourselves. It ends up impacting us more than the offender.
Ahead, we explore five common reasons why you can’t let go of resentment, how it impacts your well-being, and constructive ways to process and release this heavy emotion.
1. You Feel Like There’s No Closure or Resolution
When a situation feels unfinished, it’s hard to move forward. We naturally crave closure.
“We may be waiting for the other person to notice or say something,” notes Sarah Baroud, LICSW. “If I’m feeling resentful, it makes sense that I would want the person I resent to take action to fix or apologise.”
A simple acknowledgement of wrongdoing might be enough to allow you to release resentment.
2. Confronting the Issue Feels Overwhelming
Sometimes it feels easier to sit with resentment than to do the hard work of confrontation. This avoidance leaves us stagnated and bitter.
Even if you don’t wish to continue the relationship, confronting the issue within yourself is essential for finding peace.
3. Letting Go Feels Like “Losing”
Resentment can make you feel as though letting go means surrendering.
“Letting go of resentment may feel like you’re surrendering, like you’re letting the person off the hook,” says Baroud.
But letting go doesn’t mean the other person wins—it means you win back your freedom.
4. Holding On Feels Like Power and Control
Resentment can create a false sense of control, as if clinging to bitterness protects you from future harm. In truth, releasing resentment often requires embracing vulnerability—the real key to inner growth.
5. Resentment Becomes a Coping Mechanism
Sometimes resentment serves as protection against future hurt.
“For example, if you are in a relationship and the person cheats on you, holding onto resentment can provide a defence mechanism to prevent you from moving forward, finding another relationship, and perhaps getting hurt again,” says Amy Robbins, PsyD.
The Cost of Resentment
Resentment is like “drinking poison and waiting for the rat to die.” Research shows it can lead to stress, cognitive decline, and social isolation. Long-term resentment affects both body and mind.
Healthy Ways to Begin Letting Go
Understand the source: Explore the root cause of your resentment.
Examine expectations: Reflect on what you realistically expect from others.
Practice vulnerability: Allow yourself to heal rather than hold on.
Seek guidance: A therapist can help you navigate unresolved feelings.
Is the Goal to Eliminate Resentment Entirely?
Not at all. Resentment is a normal human emotion. The goal is to understand its roots and work toward processing it in healthier ways.
“The goal is never not to feel, but rather to recognise the feeling and try to understand what is at the root of it,” says Dr. Robbins.
By acknowledging resentment and choosing to let go, you create space for peace, forgiveness, and stronger relationships.
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