Are you experiencing 'floodlighting' in your relationships?

It can feel like there are simply too many dating trend terms out there — gaslighting, love bombing, and now, a new one: floodlighting. Then again, they can help us to understand and describe dangerous and harmful behaviour in our relationships. One of the best places to see these common dating behaviours play out? Reality dating shows, of course!

In this season of Love Is Blind US, some have accused Madison of floodlighting her potential partner Alex — in other words, she was accused of trying to push for deep intimacy too fast and too soon — and possibly for the wrong reasons.

Madison responded to criticism of her time on the show, saying, “I know who I am. I know why I did what I did, and I don't think there was any gameplay involved in any of my choices.”

What is floodlighting?

Imagine floodlighting as literally putting your relationship under the spotlight — even when the relationship might not be ready for such harsh, uncompromising attention.

“Floodlighting in dating is about using vulnerability as a high-intensity spotlight. It involves sharing a lot of personal details all at once — to test the waters, speed up intimacy, or see if the other person can ‘handle’ these parts of you.”

Did Madison really floodlight Alex in Love Is Blind?

According to Louella, who specialises in TV and relationships, it's complicated. For one thing, Love Is Blind isn't exactly the real world, so dating is bound to look a little different — and perhaps, techniques like floodlighting even make a little more sense.

“There can be a fine line between sharing personal details and floodlighting. On Love Is Blind, couples only have a short period of time to get to know each other before making a decision on marriage, so it's natural for them to open up quickly and deeply,” she says.

“You could argue that Madison opened up to Alex to truly figure out if they shared a connection and to see if they were compatible on a deeper level,” she goes on. “They talked about things that other couples didn't, so they could have built a stronger connection than those who didn't open as much.”

Is floodlighting really that harmful?

While floodlighting isn't always completely terrible, it can be more harmful than we might think.

Here are some of the reasons why:

• Risk of exploitation: While vulnerability is essential in building a strong relationship, there's a time and place for different levels. By sharing too much too quickly, you may be putting yourself at risk of being exploited or taken advantage of by someone who may not have your best interests at heart.

• Creates imbalanced dynamics: Healthy relationships require a somewhat balanced exchange of vulnerability and emotional sharing. When one person is floodlighting, it can create roles where one person is seen as the "emotional caretaker" and the other as the "vulnerable, fragile one".

• False sense of intimacy: By quickly forming an intense emotional connection, floodlighting can create a false sense of intimacy that may not be sustainable in the long run. Instead of getting to know each other gradually and building a solid foundation, floodlighting can mean that you've shared the deepest parts of yourself before getting to know the other person.

• Stems from a place of insecurity: Oversharing often stems from the fear of not being enough. It can be a way of preempting rejection by showing your most vulnerable self and hoping the other person will accept it. It's like showing all your cards in a poker game in the hope that full disclosure will prevent any surprise judgments in the future.

• Feelings of overwhelm: If someone is floodlighting, it can lead to the person on the receiving end feeling overwhelmed and even suffocated. It can be emotionally taxing to handle such intense disclosures and feelings in a short amount of time. In addition, the floodlighter can end up feeling exposed and off-balance.

  
  

Common signs of floodlighting in dating

These are some common signs to look out for:

• Rapid disclosure of personal information: If someone is sharing a lot of personal information with you early on in your relationship, it can be a sign of floodlighting. This may include sharing deeply personal stories or secrets that seem unusual for the early stages of dating.

• Unbalanced exchange: Floodlighting usually involves one person sharing a lot of personal information while the other person shares far less. This can create an uneven balance where one person ends up carrying most of the emotional weight.

• Intense emotional connection: Because floodlighting involves sharing vulnerable parts of ourselves, it can often lead to a fast and intense emotional connection. This can make it feel like the relationship is moving quickly, even if it has only been a short amount of time.

• Analysing reactions to disclosure: By sharing personal information, the person doing the floodlighting may be testing your boundaries (likely on a subconscious level) and seeing how much you are willing to accept or handle. If you can see that someone is carefully watching your reactions to their disclosures, it could be a sign of floodlighting.

• Overwhelming detail: Another sign of floodlighting is that several aspects of their past or present life are shared in great detail. It can feel as if the person is trying to paint a complete picture of themselves.

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