How to Deal with Mismatched Libidos

Sex can be a difficult topic to discuss. We live in a paradoxical society where sexual imagery and connotation are pervasive, yet for many, talking about sex brings discomfort, embarrassment, or even shame. These feelings may arise from early experiences—perhaps sex was treated as a taboo subject in childhood—or develop later in life once we engage in sexual relationships. Either way, discussing sex can be challenging, especially when things aren't going well.

Many couples I work with experience issues in their sex lives. Often, the core issue isn’t about sex itself but revolves around their emotional connection. If a partner feels disconnected, hurt, or harbours resentment towards their partner, it will likely impact their desire for sex. While this commonly results in less frequent or less enjoyable sex, some individuals may also seek more frequent sexual interactions as a way to avoid addressing deeper relationship issues, disguising them as intimacy or connection.

If your sex life is struggling, it is essential to take an honest look at the state of your relationship. Ask yourself: How have you been feeling in the relationship recently? Do you feel connected, respected, supported, and appreciated by your partner? It is also important to consider when you began noticing a discrepancy in sexual interest. Has it always been this way, or is it a recent development? Have there been significant life changes, such as the birth of a child, a job change, or the loss of a family member? Are either of you experiencing increased stress or self-consciousness due to physical changes? These are crucial questions to reflect upon and discuss with your partner.

Sometimes, sexual issues are symptomatic of broader emotional disconnections. By working on emotional intimacy, the sexual side of the relationship often improves. However, there are instances where couples have a genuine difference in sexual desire, which can strain the relationship without intervention.

What Can You Do?

One of the most effective approaches to dealing with mismatched libidos is to seek support from a therapist trained in sex therapy. However, there are some strategies you can try at home:

1. Give Yourself a Number

It is common for long-term couples to have some level of discrepancy in sexual desire. It’s unlikely that two people will always have perfectly matched libidos, and over time, this mismatch can cause dissatisfaction, hurt, and resentment.

A helpful way to make sense of this is by assigning yourself a ‘sex number’ on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 indicates little to no interest in sex and 10 indicates a very high sex drive. Have your partner do the same. If there’s a noticeable difference, it can help explain the patterns that have developed, such as one person initiating sex more frequently. By identifying these numbers, it allows both partners to view the situation more objectively and prevent the mind-reading that often leads to misinterpretations, such as assuming a lack of interest is personal or that frequent initiation is purely about sex.

It’s also important to note that there is a tendency to pathologise lower sex drives in our culture, assuming that a higher libido is inherently healthier. However, a “normal” sex drive is relative; a couple consisting of two people with a ‘1’ on the scale may still find their sex life perfectly fulfilling, even if it involves very little sexual activity.

2. Empathise with Each Other

Understanding your partner’s ‘sex number’ can pave the way for empathy. Try to place yourself in their shoes. If your partner often initiates sex and you frequently decline, consider how it might feel to be rejected. Conversely, if you’re the one saying ‘no’ often, imagine how frustrating it might feel to feel unheard or disrespected.

This isn't about determining who is right or wrong but about understanding your partner’s experience. Empathy fosters compassion and can lead to more honest communication and, ultimately, problem-solving.

3. Redefine Successful Sex

For many couples, particularly heterosexual ones, ‘sex’ is synonymous with intercourse, and success is measured by both partners achieving orgasm. If sex doesn’t fit within these narrow parameters, it can feel like a failure, leading to anxiety around sexual performance.

It’s crucial to redefine what successful sex means. Consider incorporating activities that bring intimacy, even if they don’t involve intercourse or orgasm. This might include cuddling, massages, or even mutual masturbation. Expanding your definition of sex can help both partners feel fulfilled and bring a greater sense of connection, without pressure.

4. Quality vs Quantity

It’s easy to focus on the frequency of sex but often overlook the quality. Reflect on your recent sexual experiences. Were they enjoyable? Was there discomfort? Did you feel rushed or distracted? Were your needs and desires considered? The quality of sexual interactions plays a significant role in how often one might want sex.

Openly discussing these preferences with your partner can lead to more fulfilling experiences. Conversations about what makes sex satisfying can also introduce novelty and rekindle excitement in your sexual relationship.

5. Schedule Sex

Scheduling sex may not sound romantic, but for many couples, it can be an effective solution. While spontaneous sex is often glorified in films and TV, the reality is that busy schedules, stress, and mismatched libidos rarely lead to frequent, unplanned sexual encounters.

In fact, many couples unknowingly scheduled sex early in their relationship, planning dates that likely led to intimacy. Anticipation can add excitement, and pre-planning can help avoid the cycle of hurt, guilt, and resentment that can develop over time.

Final Thoughts

The key to addressing mismatched libidos, like any relationship issue, is open, honest, and empathetic communication. If having these conversations feels too difficult, couples therapy might be a helpful avenue to explore.

Note: In this article, terms like sexual desire, drive, interest, and libido are used interchangeably. While there are distinctions between these terms, exploring them in-depth is beyond the scope of this post.

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