Relationship Problems and Spirituality

No one achieves their goals—worldly or otherwise—in isolation. Every hero develops important relationships. Even the Lone Ranger, often portrayed as a solitary figure, rides with Tonto and is aided by Silver and Scout, often escaping danger because of them. Yet, we tend to overlook this motif. We worship the individual hero, rewarding them with prestigious accolades like the Oscar, but rarely acknowledge the vital roles relationships play in our spiritual journeys.

Our limited understanding of relationships can lead us to discount the contributions others make to our lives. We often believe that success and happiness are purely the result of personal determination and self-discipline. If we attend the right schools, learn the right theories, secure the right job, earn enough money, impress the right people, and meet the needs of our partners, we may think we’ll achieve a fulfilling life. For many, this is what life is all about. To me, however, this represents only half a life.

The Role of Relationships in Our Spirituality

The issue with many of our relationships is that the average ego struggles to learn from its everyday reality. It’s consumed by the need to prove its identity through external accomplishments. To resolve relationship problems, we need to adopt a new approach. We must value our relationships as much as we value our individuality, balancing outer achievements with inner psycho-spiritual work.

Another challenge in relationships is that differences between us often trigger powerful emotions and impulsive urges. These are opportunities to uncover what’s really going on in our unconscious minds. In this way, relationships—like dreams—serve as profound spiritual teachers. For them to thrive, we must stop reacting impulsively with defensiveness, retaliation, or one-upmanship, and instead focus on observing and listening to ourselves and each other.

Navigating Difficult Emotions

This can be extremely challenging when we’re overwhelmed with strong emotions. In these moments, our egos often become disconnected, and our shadow self takes over. We may find it difficult to listen to others, especially when we feel threatened. It becomes almost impossible to believe that others' criticisms could be justified, yet there is often a grain of truth in them. This doesn’t mean we are inherently bad or that every accusation is accurate, but rather that a part of our shadow self can appear in disagreeable ways. And, as anyone who’s been in a relationship knows, our partners are the ones who often see this side of us most clearly.

The Spiritual Purpose of Relationships

We are meant to unite with others, and relationships form the core of human experience. They significantly influence the direction and outcome of our spiritual journey. As American Buddhist master Jack Kornfield says:

“All of spiritual practice is a matter of relationships: to ourselves, to others, to life’s situations. We can relate with a spirit of wisdom, compassion, and flexibility, or we can meet life with fear, aggression, and delusion. Whether we like it or not, we are always in relationship, always interconnected.”— Jack Kornfield, A Path with Heart, 1993, p. 287.

Many now recognize the spiritual significance of intimate relationships. For some, the couple relationship has become a new symbol for the Self, gradually replacing the ego's traditional ideals. In my work with couples, I’ve noticed a shift—whereas people once looked outside of relationships for personal fulfillment, they now seek these qualities within their partnerships.

People also look to their relationships to spark creativity and intellectual growth. They want their partners to affirm their individuality and uniqueness and to share deep, transformative experiences—especially in the realm of sexuality. These societal trends reflect an emerging awareness of the need for honest, intimate relationships.

Reflection

So, what have you learned about yourself from your relationships? How has this knowledge influenced your spirituality?

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