When Should I Have Sex?
- Wise Psychic Counsellor
- Oct 8, 2024
- 4 min read
If you're wondering about this, you’ve likely asked Dr Google, “How long do I have to wait to have sex?” after meeting someone who sparks a strong attraction. Or perhaps you’ve wondered, “How long can I wait to have sex?” after feeling pressured to take things to the next level.
Let’s debunk the myth of a “Right Number of Dates” before having sex.
What’s the short answer? Every single sexual relationship is different. Some are purely sexual, others are both sexual and romantic (or have the potential to become so), and some may even be spiritual. Because of this, there is no hard-and-fast rule about when you should or can have sex.
For the record, once you start having sex, there’s also no rule about how often, how much, how long, or what kind of sex you should be having.
In fact, this may not even be the right question to ask. Instead, consider these:
“How does my body and intuition let me know I’m ready to have sex?”
“How do I communicate this to my potential partner?”
Let’s back up: What do we mean by ‘date’ and ‘sex’?That’s a great question, but its answer can be vague.“There’s no universally accepted definition of a date,” and there’s no fixed definition of sex either. These are up to you and your partner(s) to define.
Some consider they’re dating someone if they’re regularly texting. Others believe dating begins after a few in-person dates. Similarly, some see sex only as P-in-V (penis-in-vagina) intercourse, while others consider oral sex, anal sex, or any act of meaningful pleasure as sex.
The key takeaway: You and your partner(s) get to decide what dating and having sex mean for you.
Where did the idea of waiting come from? The notion that you need to wait a certain number of dates before having sex is a socially constructed concept, often used to manipulate people’s expectations. The idea is that waiting will lead to a certain outcome, like marriage. This belief that someone (often women) becomes more deserving of commitment by waiting to have sex is rooted in misogynistic control over people’s bodies.
Is there a true average? What’s normal? There is no definitive “normal” amount of time to wait before having sex, as both "sex" and "dating" mean different things to different people. However, studies have been done on the topic:
A 2014 study found that 47.9% of people in relationships waited a few weeks, 35.5% had sex on the first date or within the first few weeks, and 9.9% had sex before the first date.
A smaller survey from 2017 found that men waited five dates on average, while women preferred to wait nine dates.
While these findings may be interesting, they shouldn’t dictate your decisions. The right time for sex is when you feel ready and interested.
How do you know if it’s the right time? The best way to know if it’s the right time to have sex is to ask yourself:
“Would having sex with this person bring me pleasure?”
“Do I trust them enough to share intimacy with them?”
“Can I respect my boundaries and theirs?”
There are situations where you may feel physically ready for sex but lack trust or clear boundaries with your partner. It’s important to be honest with yourself and ensure that you are in a position to honour your limits.
What should you ask your potential partner(s)? Before having sex, it’s helpful to have an open conversation with your partner. Consider asking:
“What does sex mean to you?”
“Do you feel ready to have sex?”
“What do you need to feel safe and secure during and after sex?”
Are there any hard-and-fast rules? There are no universal rules for intimacy. This applies to holding hands, sexting, kissing, spending the night, or engaging in sex toy play. What’s most important is that everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting and ready for whatever level of intimacy is taking place.
Is there ever a time when you shouldn’t have sex? Yes, you should not have sex if:
You feel pressured to do so.
You feel it’s your only option in the situation.
You feel obligated to another person.
If at any point during sex, you realise you don’t want to continue, remember that consent is ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time.
The Bottom LineThere’s no right or wrong number of dates to wait before having sex. What matters is that:
You want to have sex.
Your partner(s) also want to have sex.
You can communicate openly before, during, and after about your desires and boundaries.
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