The Teen Years Can Stress Even the Strongest of Marriages
- Wise Psychic Counsellor
- Aug 19
- 4 min read
Three guiding principles can help you and your teen navigate their developmental journey: balance, communication, and connection.
Try to strike a balance with your different perspectives in terms of feedback and reactions to their choices, challenges, and changes. Stay curious and connected as you recognise that your teens' connections usually reflect attempts to find a sense of self.
Whereas most people are warned that the blessed event of a new baby may challenge the romance in their marriage, not enough warning is given to parents of teens. Lulled by the relative calm of the school-age years, they find themselves suddenly embroiled in the challenging journey of adolescence, which extends anywhere from age 12 to 18.
Notwithstanding the love they feel for their kids or each other, most parents will agree that the teen years can challenge marital bonds. Why?
A close look suggests that the very developmental tasks that Erik Erikson maintained teens need to negotiate under the broad heading of “Identity vs. Role Confusion” call into question the stability, predictability, authority, intelligence, sleep, and even sexual patterns of parents.
A Saturday night spent nervously waiting up for your teen, while blaming each other for being too lax or too rigid, rarely sets the mood for romance.
That said, it is important to consider that raising a teen need not equate to ruining a marriage. In fact, it is the last thing you want and the very last thing they need.
Three Guiding Principles
There are three guiding principles that may help you and your teen on this journey: balance, communication, and connection. They not only help adolescents deal with the transition to adulthood, but they are the same principles that help parents strengthen their own relationship.
Balance
Teens Struggle With Balance Basic to the challenges of adolescence, most teens have trouble with balancing everything from emotions, sexuality, friends, social media, and sleep to school assignments.
Use Your Differences to Strike a Balance Given history, gender, and personality, it is not unusual for parents to become persuaded by their teens and polarised into extreme positions.
"Why can’t I drive with my friends? Dad trusts my driving!"
It may actually be an advantage that you see things differently if you can use different perspectives as points of information. Clarifying the situation from both of your perspectives and from your teen’s point of view sets the stage for collaborative problem-solving.
Use Mutual Feedback to Prevent Over-Parenting An important but difficult balance for parents is helping each other support, rather than substitute, a teen’s own efforts.
"Why can’t you let your daughter find her own job?"
When parents trust each other to give and take feedback, they can avoid "helicopter parenting” while providing mutual support. Working together not only enhances your view of each other, but it enhances the perspective and competence of your teen.
Distinguish Between Your Life and Your Teen’s Life Some parents are so enthralled with their teen and his/her activities, friends, and achievements, they abandon a personal interest in self and their relationship. They become the 24/7 support team and audience to their child.
Some parents are so worried about their teen they abdicate their role as partner to become a vigilant caretaker. When love, support, or even concern for a teen bankrupts a marriage, everyone loses.
Communication
Understanding the Language of Teens Anyone who has parented teens knows that communication can get challenging.
Girls often vocalise issues with high drama.
Boys may act like CIA agents, saying little and avoiding questions.
With social media and messaging, the only thing that matters to most teens is constant communication with peers.
Reconsidering the Language of Parents In the face of this, some parents never stop talking at their teen who remains riveted on their screen or shut down. Bursting with stress, the parents’ communication with each other often regresses into blame.
"No wonder he doesn’t listen—you never stop yelling at him.""So she lied again and you’re still saying nothing to her?"
It is worth explaining to your teen that you really need their input to address the issue at hand. This places both parents on the same page while giving the teen a chance to express themselves.
Reconsidering Social Media Parent and teen collaboration for balancing social media is invaluable. Parents can model and collaborate with teens on a family plan, like shutting phones off during shared meals or important conversations.
Communicating as People vs. Parents It is valuable to communicate as “people,” not just as worried parents, to each other and to your teen. Teens are often surprised and interested to hear what is happening in your life, at your job, and with your friends.
Connection
Welcome Peer Attachments A primary change for parents and teens is the teen’s move from attachment with them to their need for peers for affirmation, acceptance, and connection.
Instead of criticising, it is advantageous to welcome your teen’s friends. Remember your teen is trying out versions of themself through friendships.
Welcome Your Own Attachments Continue to welcome, entertain, and go out with your own friends. Your relationship with your partner and your friendships is a source of self-esteem for your teen.
Sexuality
Your Teen’s Sexuality: Adolescence is a time of emerging gender and sexual identity. Affirmation is crucial, while staying emotionally attuned.
Your Own Sexuality: Some parents put their intimacy aside during the teen years. Teens sense the health of their parents’ relationship and benefit from seeing affection.
Marriage and Raising Teens
If you grow together as your teen grows, if they see your laughter as well as your stress, if they hear you apologise as well as argue, if they know you love each other as you love them, you will have given them what they need to go forward.
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