What Is Ambiguous Grief and How to Begin Healing
- Wise Psychic Counsellor
- Oct 26
- 3 min read
Death isn’t a prerequisite for grief—common life events can trigger ambiguous grief. Without societal norms to acknowledge the loss, grieving for someone who is still alive can feel isolating. Shame and embarrassment may prevent people from sharing their experience. Recognizing ambiguous grief is an important first step toward healing.
Grief is a universal experience. Regardless of geography, socio-economic status, age, or gender, humans grieve when a loved one dies. But what about losses that change or end relationships without a physical death? Examples include:
Losing a child to substance abuse
A parent to cognitive decline
A spouse to divorce
A sibling to estrangement
A friend to mental illness
Though most of us will experience the pain of grieving a living loved one at least once, few know this grief has a name—or how to heal it. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
How Do We Grieve When Our Loved One Has Not Died?
I first asked myself this question after experiencing a sudden divorce. The loss of marriage was profound, followed by the heartbreak of estrangement from my children. I stopped eating, couldn’t sleep, and depression enveloped me. For reasons I only understood later, I kept my devastation private.
After nearly two decades as a wife, detaching from this part of my identity intensified an already destabilising period. I wasn’t a wife, and I wasn’t a widow—though sometimes I dreamed of playing that part, accepting condolences and grateful for acknowledgment of my grief.
Without physical death, there was no obituary, no funeral, no eulogy, no sympathy cards. My grief felt minimised, and my pain under-recognised. It was in this strange space, reconciling who I was with who I had been, that I became consumed with the desire to heal.
How Do We Heal What We Can’t Name?
I explored countless journal articles, books, and even reached out to authors. While resources existed for divorce and death-related grief, none addressed the precise grief I was experiencing: losing someone who is still alive but no longer the person they once were.
This search led me to Dr Pauline Boss, who in the 1970s coined the term “ambiguous loss” while working with spouses of missing-in-action military personnel. She described it as:
Physical absence with psychological presence (e.g., a loved one missing or gone)
Psychological absence with physical presence (e.g., dementia)
Boss explained that ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss because there is no verification of death and no certainty of the person returning to their former self.
Understanding Ambiguous Grief
Through further research, I realised that it wasn’t my loss that was ambiguous—it was my grief. I sought guidance from those who had personally experienced similar pain, knowing that lived experience often provides insights no book can.
Activating events that can trigger ambiguous grief include:
Alzheimer’s disease
Addiction
Divorce or estrangement
Incarceration
Indoctrination (e.g., cult or gang)
Gender identity transitions
Illness or personality disorder diagnoses
If shame or embarrassment surrounds the event, people may isolate themselves and avoid seeking support, prolonging their grief.
Are You Experiencing Ambiguous Grief?
You may be experiencing ambiguous grief if you relate to the following:
You have experienced a significant relationship loss, and your loved one is still living.
You hope the relationship or person will return to how they once were.
Memories or the loss occupy your thoughts frequently.
You feel disconnected from yourself or others because of the loss.
You find it difficult to move forward in your life.
If you answered yes to two or more, discussing your grief with a professional can be a helpful next step.
Healing and Recovery
Recovery is different for everyone. Talking to a therapist or trusted care team member is a courageous first step. Group therapy can also provide validation and understanding, connecting you with people who truly understand the nuances of ambiguous grief.
Losing a loved one who is still living is a painful, often invisible process. By identifying and naming ambiguous grief, we can create a healthy space to honour our loss and begin healing.
Wise Psychic Counselling offers compassionate, insightful, and professional support for individuals navigating life’s emotional challenges. Specialising in grief, relationship struggles, and personal growth, our team combines evidence-based therapeutic techniques with a holistic understanding of mental and emotional wellbeing. We provide a safe, non-judgmental space for clients to explore their feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for healing and personal transformation. At Wise Psychic Counselling, every journey is honoured, and every story is valued.
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